mark’s texas hots in rochester, new york: home of the fucking garbage plate. some of you may know this from seeing that fat dump on man vs food indulging in all it’s glory but fuck him. this is my second time choking down this sloppy native of heaven or hell and fuck was it great. this plate comes in a variety of suits and is fully customizable. first off, do you want chez burgs or dogs? i obviously want dogs but that’s because i am not an idiot and i realize that these aren’t the dogs we have back home, these are red hots! it’s more like a teenage african dong which is usually much larger than most full grown white folk’s hog pieces. new to me was the option of having white hots! unlike the red hots which i assume use beef as it’s staple protein though likely a mix, these white hots are all pork and have a wonderful brat like sweetness to them. if you are a sultan of swine like myself you may even want to go double white. other homies who smashed the burgs seemed to be more than satisfied with their plates. a newly plump joe mctigue stated that “the burg wasn’t groundbreaking or anything but it was definitely as solid as one of michelangelo’s finest stone cocks.” for you vegetarians out there don’t worry, you can ditch the flesh of the once living for a grilled cheese which is probably incredible if i had to guess. i mean it sounds perfect and if i wasn’t in the home of some of this countries best hots i may have taken this route. step two, how would you like your starch component? crinkle cut or homefried? i went with homefries and they rule but another pleasant surprise was the opsh to order a succulent beef gravy perfect for fry dipping. next time, this will be my jam as all who took this path spoke of it’s righteousness in a style similar to any of this world’s finest dictators. next up is sides, though they just get slopped onto the plate like soupy tits finding rest after a hard day of buffet pounding for the rotund. your choices are both beautiful, baked beans or mac salad. no matter which pleasure you pick, it seems you can’t go wrong. i go beans, lots go mac, all go home happy. finally, you top it the fuck off. i go with the classic mustard, white onion, and sauce. this delicious meat soup is commonly compared to cincinnati style chili, for those unfamiliar think of a nice hot dog chili. when in rochester you should eat like you live there and get it all, but you can be a bitch and get some or none. once your plate is safely nesting in your belly, grab those hunks of french bread served with and mop the rest of that shit up. if you are a puss, you can order a half plate but keep in mind rochester finished at the top of the murder list for new york state multiple times and dumbing down this indulgence is said to be grounds for rochester’s most sacred act. in closing i would just like to say that rochester is a sick place. the garbage plate may sound nice and all but it takes a trip to this rusty old city to understand how special it really is. rochester is not only the home of the garbage plate but it’s also the perfect habitat to facilitate it’s awesomely miserable existence.